I’ll start with an update/backhistory. I’ve decided to return to blogging to reconnect with friends and also help keep tract of the effectiveness of my own progress and any positives/negatives of my med regimine.

October of 2007 I joined a livejournal writers group and began reviewing the work of various authors.

April 2008 I moved home with mom and gram.

May 2008 Burtle and I broke up and then my father passed away the day before Memorial Day.

July 2008 was phenominal. Sumo (now 3years old!) became a big brother to Butterfly.

August 2008 I went through another break up but thankfully I had my dear friend Bunny who helped pick up the pieces. Predictably we fell into a relationship of sorts. The one snafu? She’s from the middle of Canada!

September 2008 I returned to the theatre troupe of my youth and was pleasantly surprised to find we had moved into one of the oldest theatres in the country!
October 2008 Bunny and I decided to become exclusive even though we were 2000 miles apart.

November 2008 I had the extreme pleasure to perform in an outstanding production of Annie. Our final dress was the night President Obama was elected. I sobbed through our curtain call rendition of “Tomorrow”.

December 2008 I began rehearsals for a children’s production of Aladdin.

February 2009 my kids (theatre kids of course! still none of my own) put on an outstanding performance and also for some reason seem to think I walk on water. Any kid that is deemed “difficult” I make my special project. 99% all they need is someone to listen AND to respect them. One little boy (about 9 years old) who was deemed as a trouble maker is actually an amazing child. At that age her already plays the violin AND writes poetry. I wanted to smack the adults that treated him like a bad kid. No more of that though. Not on my watch.
I was also FINALLY diagnosed with ADHD and began taking methylphenidate. It began helping but we’ll get back to that.

March-May 2009 Was… INTENSE. The theatre’s spring show had never been set so I offered to direct Our Town. I mean c’mon! No set, no props, how hard could that be? That thing almost gave me an existential crises! But? It was said to be one of the best productions EVER with our organization. Board members, trustees and resident hard asses all told me how proud our organization should be of the production.

June 2009 I spent several days in the hospital due to chest tightness. They asked me several times if it was a panic attack. I said no because I didn’t think I was feeling emotional about anything.
Bunny arrived from Canada for two months to be the maid-of-honor in her best friend’s wedding. Ironically said best friend was born and rasied an hour and a half from where I live. Talk about fate.

August 2009 I was finally diagnosed with panic attacks on prescribed Xanax. Sadly the attacks continued and because I don’t have insurance I was unable to see my PDoc (psychiatrist) on a regular basis. Also our organization is simply overloaded with consumers.
Also I began my stint as Production Manager for TITANIC THE MUSCIAL. Those who have been here before probably know I’ve been obsessed with that damn ship since I was about six years old. I’m now 32.
Lastly Bunny returned to Canada. It was very difficult for both of us but we were so blessed to have the amount of time we had!

October 2009 our TITANIC was the largest attended show in the history of our amateur company.

November 2009 Started feeling flu-ish but was in the process of directing a Reader’s Theatre production of The Odd Couple (female version) as well as rehearsing my role in The Best Christmas Pageant Ever. I stayed sick the entire month. None the less, The Odd Couple was our largest attended Reader’s Theatre since we reinstated the program.

December 2009 Still sick. Performed in The Best Christmas Pageant Ever with a fever nearly the entire time. A week after the show closed I got sicker and my joints swelled up. Trip to the ER for me and gram (who had pre-pneumonia.) By that time they were no longer test for H1N1 but the doctor said because of the length of my illness, the fact that it would start to feel better and then get worse and the swelling my joints. I was told to sit my ass down and sleep as much as possible.

January 2010 I spent two week out of town at a training session to become a Peer Support Specialist. It was beyond intense but so empowering. PSS is still a somewhat young movement in the Mental Health field. People with Mental Diagnoses who are actively stable go through very comprehensive training and then meet with peers who are beginning or not as far along in their ability to maintain a rewarding life.

February 2010 Bunny came to visit for 10 days during which we spent time in Niagara Falls and then New York.

March 2010 aka NOW A few days ago I held auditions chose my cast for our production of “FOOLS”.

Who’s still around? How are you? Who are you?

Why yes I have become that person who never updates and when they do its bad This saddens me but I need to get this out.

April 2, I had a bit of a moment shall we say about my show draining me (while the message is to appreciate life, listening to a mother that died in childbirth talk about how much she’ll miss is nearly too much to handle) and finally having the realization that Dad is gone. I was in a horrible place that night. Later my girlfriend admitted she’d been out with a friend and they were being a shade affectionate. She didn’t sleep with her but it still hurts.

April 3, I found out a dear friend’s 101 year old grandmother passed away. I didn’t know her personally but their entire family have been staples in our theatre community for forever. And the girlfriend admitted to spending another evening with her friend. Again they didn’t get intimate but still.

April 4, My 32nd birthday. I was feeling pretty crappy and ran behind all day. But some one I care a great deal for made me a kick ass picture. It’s now my wallpaper on my laptop.

When I first got to the theatre that evening to see “T.horoughly M.odern M.illie” someone told me that Mrs M.attern had died early that morning. We’d never been formally introduced but saw each other constantly. She regularly stuck her head out of the box office to say hello or listen to us rehearse. She was a middle school teacher for forever. Some of my kids at the theatre were her former and current students.

Then during Act II water began pouring from the balcony. A valve had broken in one of the bathrooms and water was draining through every crevice possible including speakers and light fixtures. The show stopped for a time but resumed after we found the water main and moved people etc. I spent most of the time running around gathering garbage cans to catch water in and looking for tarps. Afterward we put tarps on the seats under the balcony and managed to corral people away from the soaked section.

My cell phone broke then. Yes, the one that I just had replaced. The touch screen wouldn’t operate. Thankfully I was at least able to use the voice dialing and and the few actual buttons it has.

April 5, I was still feeling pretty yucky, still running behind. I was meeting with Mitch, the gentleman playing the S.tage M.anager for me in “O.ur T.own”, to go over lines. I hadn’t been there ten minutes when my phone rang. D.evon was sobbing. Mr C.heck, one of my former directors and coincidentally the father of the woman who directed “M.illie”, died unexpectedly.

I’m sure at some point I’ll write a massive dissertation on it. I need to work on my show, though. I’ve made some changes since J.ohn died. I need to finalize them. Without he and C.har (his wife) I may well have not continued theatre.

J.ohn was really looking forward to seeing “O.ur T.own”. It was one of the main things we talked about the last time I saw him. And I couldn’t wait for him to see it.

So many. How many more? My soul is aching.

And?  It’s not supposed to stop for 36 hours.  O.O

In ther news, apparently I’m directing she spring show at my theatre.  We’re going with either ‘The Diary of Anne Frank’ or ‘Our Town’.  Thoughts please!

July
1) Started writing again!
2) Baby Ouiser (who shall now be known as Sumo-ette because she looks EXACTLY like her brother) was born.
3) Had back surgery.  L5-S1 Microdiscectomy.  Had numbness and tingling in my left leg for a little over a week.  The fact that it wasn’t worse or permanent is suprising.  The doc told me the disc was herniated so badly he literally had to pry the nerves out of the way to get it all cleaned out.  Having the surgery is the best thing I’ve ever done.

August
1) Started feeling better!
2) Was vaguely seeing someone.  Sort of.  It’s confusing. 
3) It ended and I started vaguely seeing someone else.  Again sort of and it’s confusing.  Maybe it’s something I’ll talk about here.  Maybe not.  At any rate she’s also a dear friend of mine and means a lot to me.  Her name is Bronwyn. 
4) Visited Sumo and Sumo-ette.  And their parents of course  (who will remain anonymous because of the Pilot’s job.)

September
1) Auditioned for ‘Annie’ at my old theatre and was cast in the ensemble.
2) In the process also reconnected with a ton of old friends.
3) Worked sporadically as my gram’s home health worker.

October
1) Started making new friends involved with the production.  Better friends than I’ve had in years IRL. 
2) Made home with mom and gram my “official” residence again and seriously started considering staying permanently.

November, so far
1) Took part in the bang up production of ‘Annie’!

We lost dad on Saturday night.  We had the funeral Wednesday.  To say that I’m still kind of drained would be accurate but in the scheme of things I really am doing well.

Pictures of Sumo and Firecracker to come.  As always comment if you’d like the password.

I’m rather in shock.  Most of you know that he and I don’t have the best relationship.  Part of me, and that part is rather ashamed, is relieved.  The last two times I saw him, he was a shell of a man.  The first time I didn’t recognize him at all.

I told him I would come see him before the surgery and he told me it wasn’t necessary because he wasn’t planning on dying.  So much for best laid plans.

Anywho, it’s been quite some time since my last update and that’s because there really haven’t been any things worth posting.  I’m still in a good amount of pain thanks to the back and I didn’t want to be posting for the millionth time about how crappy I feel.  For those I’ve been talking with via email, you rock.  Lots.  At least if I’m not blogging I have you guys to keep my spirits up.

The big news today is that at my ortho doctors appointment yesterday we decided that surgery is a complete necessity.  So June 19th is the day.  The surgery will only take about an hour and I should only need about a three inch incision.  Because the herniation is central though, it will be a shade more invasive though still microscopic surgery.  I’ll be in the hospital up to 24 hours barring any unforseen issues.  Doc said recovery is different for everyone but since again because my issue is a bit worse than some it may take longer.  He said that in three months I should be completely back to normal.  Hopefully I can get a job (desk job of some sort more than likely) and start making money again.

I’m a little bummed for two reasons:

1) I had really hoped to be working asap.  I’ve got bills to pay of course but I was also really hoping to get to NYC in the late summer.  Kendra Kassebaum is reprising her role as G(a)linda in Wicked.  While I have yet to see the show I’ve caught clips on youtube of her performance and I *really* would like to see her the first time I see Wicked.  Eden Espinosa (Wicked fame as well) is part of RENT’s closing cast as Maureen.  Eden playing a lesbian?  Hell yeah I want to see that.  And lastly I’d really love to see Legally Blonde just to hear Kate Shindle belt (she really needs to do Wicked, like a lot) and see Tracy Jai Edwards fantastic spastic cheerleader and oh yeah Beth Curry because she’s a DAMN RIOT (for those who saw the show on MTV she was the court stenographer as well as one of the sorority sisters.)

(That being said, I am a theatre geek and if time and money were in abundace I’d be taking in as many smaller not as commercial shows.  The only reason those top my list is because I’m really keen on seeing those actors.  Yes I’ve bought into the commercialism (namely of Wicked) but I cant help.  I lovesthem lots.  Don’t judge me ;oD )

2) The other reason I’m bummed, well more nervous than bummed, is what if something goes wrong.  Now sure that’s highly unlikely but the possibility is still there.  Anesthesia has always made me a shade nervous.  When I had my tibial realignment a little over ten years ago I actually had an epidural because I didn’t want to be completely out.  Plus after a recent bad experience with Composine (sp?) (Did you know that crap can cause panic attacks?  As in BAD PANIC ATTACKS?  I didn’t.) I’m worried about post op nausea.  I’m also scared of the highly remote possiblity that I could come out of this unable to walk.  No I know full well and good that the spinal cord is well protected and I have complete faith in my doctor (This is Pittsburgh for god’s sake not some podunk Dr and practice.)  Still the fear is there.

It’s funny but the first fear I had about it all was what if I can never walk the fields of Gettysburg again?  It’s summer (well nearly) so I have G-burg on the brain.  I imagined not being able to climb through Devils Den or walk the area of Pickett’s Charge and it made me horribly sad.  I find it odd that I didn’t first think about not being able to run around with Sumo and Firecracker let alone my own future children or the fact that I wouldn’t able to be on stage again.  But as I said summer = Gettysburg fever for me.  If it were a different timeof year I’d probably be worried about something else.

I do know it will be okay.  I just have to worry.

On the upside mom, grandma and I are heading to see Sumo (where they stash the gold) and Firecracker and her parents will bejoining us there.  I’m rather excited  )  Nine hours in a car is a bit daunting but I’ll just drug myself to the gills and stretch lots when I’m able.

Of course therewill be pictures and maybe even a video or two.  All of course will be password protected so comment if you’d like the password.

Happy almost end of the week!

Burtle is 30!

Today is dear Burtle’s birthday.  Poor girl is working 11-8 today and of course I’m out of town, so that sucks as well.  Cash is of course no existent so from me she got two yummy candles and a really cool 3-d turtle flag.  From the MIL she got a kick but red tea kettle (we’re doing the small kitchen appliances in red), a hard cover copy of The Killer Angels (fantastic book about the Battle of Gettysburg; the movie Gettysburg used it as its basis) and a funny card about what clowns are afraid of (because she is terrified of them!)  I wish I could have got her something better.  I had wanted to have a suprise party for her but then things went to heck in a handbasket courtesy of my friend, the disc between L4 and L5.  Maybe once I make it home we’ll do something.

Speaking of going home

So there’s a vague possibility that I may be going to stay with Cousin Ouisie and Sumo while they await the birth of little Ouisie.  Sumo’s daddy, the Pilot, has had a bit of a change in his orders and while we’re thankful that they aren’t sending him to the Sandbox its still several hours away from their home.  Sure I’ll have to be feeling better by that point (about a month from now) and I would need to get some part time work there but at least Ouisie wouldn’t be alone during those last few months of pregnancy.

All Shook Up

Speaking of Ouisie and Sumo, they were part of that fun little earthquake in the midwest early this morning.  In true form Sumo slept through everything.

How old am I?

So for what seems like the millionth time in the past few years, I’m sick.  Oddly enough no real fever, no lower tummy trouble just tons of nausea and a couple of bouts of vomiting up each day.  I checked with the doctor to make sure it wasn’t some kind of detox-y symptoms from my pain pills but they said no it didn’t sound like it.  The puking started Tuesday morning and I didn’t stop taking the pain pills until Wednesday afternoon.  (I actually ran out of them and thought I would try not taking them.  Not a good idea.  Any position other than prone is excruciating without pain meds still.  Grrrr.)  Nothing sounds good, not even my best friend Coca-Cola. Plus everytime I eat or drink anything (even ice!) within 30-45 minutes I’m puking or at least super nauseous.  For the most part I can force myself to keep the ice down and occasionally toast.  

I just remembered, I mentioned last week when I had a sore throat that I didn’t think it could get worse… lol.  Yet somehow today I can at least chuckle about it all.